Lost In Purgatory

I feel I'm in need of an editor for my story.. so.. anyone out the in the interweb who wants to correct my rubbish spelling and grammar, then go on right ahead. Because my brother fails at editing, its been a week now and still no email back. He's a uni student.. it's not like he'll be doing a lot with his time.. dag nam!

I've been having a lot of weird dreams recently, some of them more awful than others, but they always kind of follow the same route. I either make a mistake and people end up hating me, or people who I care about don't like me and end up abandoning me. Then there's loads of violence. Last night there was a couple who decided that they hated me so I spent most of the time hiding from them and they kept thinking of different ways that they could kill me. I'm such a failure in my dreams.. and most likely in real life, but lets not dwell on that.

I'm so freezing, why the hell does my mum insist on opening my window all day in the middle of winter??? Who knows? I well haven't started my christmas shopping yet, and I'm already so sick and bored of Christmas. I really just want it to come so it can be over and done with, I'm not even excited, I haven't had one small tingle of festive spirit within me. So it can race right past me for all I care. Can't wait until it's all over!

On a better note, I have a lot more money in my bank than I expected to have. A few hundred more than expected but all is good. :D

On a worse note, my legs hurt so much! I can't even walk properly it's stupid! My head is in similar pain.. I'm tired.. I need a bath... I'm moaning about everything which I hate and I feel angry for no particular reason at all.

Oh, and I've lost my inspiration to write again.

Great. Just great.

Sometimes it feels like I'm not on the same level with people. Like no matter how hard I try to catch up with people they're always ahead. I try to be like them and keep up with everything, but then its always me who feels like I'm on the outside looking in. Like if I just disappeared no one would notice. Or that because of me I prevent people from doing the things that they want to do. I don't know.. It's like I can never be the one that people will instinctively include and think about. I'll always be the person people will forget or think of as an after thought when they've thought of those main few people in their lives..

Of course this probably isn't the case, most of it is probably just in my head. My head can persuade me anything is real. But sometimes recently I feel a little vulnerable.. a little like I'm not worthy or don't fit in as much as I think I do. Whenever I've had my own little groups, it's only been a matter of time before I've been booted out anyway and nothing is the same anymore. Today, I thought for a brief moment that things could be back to the way they were with no hardship, but then I'm reminded why I am no longer apart of it. And I'm left thinking, of all people, why was I the one that had to be victimised? Why was I always the one at school who had to sit at the end of the table or that people only seemed excited to see me just so I can take over and they can go off in their own merry little world of doing whatever.

Gah. I hate my head for bringing all of these things up to show me what a crap person I am when I feel like this.

I think I'm going to attempt to edit my own chapter since now my brother has moved out he won't do it anymore.

*Shakes fist at anxieties*

I haven't wote on here in a while.. (I don't think). I just need to write a few things, purely because I have nothing on my mind but thoughts going through my head at the same time. I've recently started writing again. My chapter just needs tweaking and editing, but with my brother not living with me it takes him ages to reply to my emails. Dag nam. Anyone out there fancy being my editor..? Anyone at all..? Does anyone even read this thing? I don't think so. Ah well, I'm over it. c:

So.. Christmas is coming up, which I HATE! I honestly can not stand Christmas. I don't know why... well I do in some aspects, as it brings back horrible memories, but in other ways I just wish I could get excited and feel happy about it like lots of other people. Possibly the reason why I'm dreading it this year is because it really is going to be different from anything before in my life. It's going to be lonely, I already know that. It's not even going to SEEM like Christmas, so I don't see the point of getting my excitement up for something that's not even going to be fun. Meh.. I could dwell on Christmas, but I'll just depress mysef.

Recently I've been feeling really content with my life. For the first time in like.. ever, I'm actually happy with where my life is. Sure there are a few things I'd probably like to change, there are things in my past that I've done that I'm really not proud of and would do anything to change. I know I've gone from the quiet geeky girl who sits in the corner, to the selfish bitch, the messed up in the head girl, and now finally, I think I've calmed down. Hopefully.

I feel like I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I've never had more than one close friend in my life ever, and now I have so many different close friendship groups and I can count on each and every one of them. People actually LIKE me and don't think I'm a loser. People make the effort to be with me. It's really strange thinking how much life has changed within the last two years. But I'm happy, so it's all good. I'm really happy indeed. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it, like I'm not good enough for all of these people, but oh well. Maybe they'll come to their senses one day?

I'm quite in the mood to write something deep and meaningful and maybe a little cliche here, but honestly, I'm far to tried to philosophise over anything. So for now, I think I'm just going to drink my hot chocolate and plan my story ahead.

I so love having the laptop back, it's so good! Now I can actually write again!

:D

x

My god, I am sooo in the mood to write right now, but I can't even bring myself to do it. I get as far as writing notes down, planning things out, but I can't find the courage to open up Word and start writing. I don't understand. It's like since my brother moved out I can't write. He was always there and listened to my ideas for my stories, he told me straight when something was rubbish and helped develop my ideas. Now I can't remember the last time I saw him for more than an hour. I haven't heard from him in ages, and everytime we're going to meet up, he cancels on me.

I feel like a little kid whining about missing someone and being jealous. But... I miss my brother :c I actually really do. I haven't got upset about it in quite a few weeks, but its times like these, when I really actually need him here to encourage me and he's not, and it makes me feel really down. I'm starting to feel like an only child. It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't get on, but I think of him as a best friend as well as a brother and I really hate that I can't see him!

I know that that is probably why I can't write. I hate being at home so I'm always out at the moment. I go out and don't come back for days sometimes. My parents don't even really seem to care or realise either, they just go about there own lives, and don't mind what I do as long as they know I'm safe. I just don't like it because I'd love to sit down and write, but when on the odd chance I have a night in on my own, I just can't physically write!

What is wrong with me?!

:c

Ugh! I am so stupidly tired right now, it's horrible. It feels far too early to go to bed though so I'm forcing myself to stay up for at least another hour. I really can't sleep very well at the moment, it's horrible. My head is so messed up and weird at the moment. I'll sleep for like an hour or two, then wake up and my head will be filled with so many different thoughts and emotions I can't get back to sleep again.

I feel really weird at the moment. I thought ater all this time I'd be able to know myself really well but the truth is I don't. I can see myself becoming this other person, this person that goes around hurting people and being a selfish bitch, whereas deep down inside of me, I'm still the same person I was a few months ago. I'm constantly feeling up and down at the moment. I'm trying to grasp on to things that will make me feel happy, but I'm worried that I'm just going to end up hurting even more people and probably making myself even more of a fuck up.

I find it so strange how right now I feel like a complete stranger. I don't recognise myself. I don't know who I am anymore, or where I'm going. I'm just so fed up of everything, with all the memories and all the things that have happened. All I want to do is just be at a point in my life where I feel comfortable and safe, but I'm not sure that can happen anymore.

There's people who I always thought would be there for me, and they're just not anymore. It's like now they've moved on to something new and exciting there's no time for me anymore. I'm just a part of the past, something that they don't have to deal with anymore because they're now out of it all. They don't have to deal with the memories and blarg!

Yet at the same time as all of this I'm finally realising who my true friends are. There's so many good people in my life at the moment, people I genuinely care about and I know will stand by me and not judge or hate me. I just hate feeling like I'm a fuck up and I have no control over anything in my life anymore.

I'm trying to be happy and sort myself out, but it's really damn hard. I'm lost in this horrible downward spiral and I don't know how to get out again.

:c

I actually feel really damn depressed right now. I've been sat on my bed for the last hour just staring into space and crying every so often.

I hate the way everything has changed so much within like.. two or three months. It's like, everything I took for granted would always be there aren't. Whenever I try to grasp on to something familiar its taken from me. I hate being at home, which is probably why I'm going out so much at the moment. Because I know as soon as the day is over and I'm on my own at home, that's when the realisation will come.

That NOTHING is the same anymore. And as much as I'm trying to cling on to everything, it's going to change me with it most likely.

I don't want change.

Change is evil.

:c

By the way... there is no progression on my story writing right now, I can't handle being at home at the moment. I can't even concentrate or get the motivation with my own life, and I hate it.

*Swears a lot*

My friend told me today that I'm the strongest person he knows, which no one has EVER said to me. When I feel like this, it's really hard to believe him.

Today I start back at college, which I am surprisingly not looking forward to. Considering I loved every second of it last year. I just feel like we're starting back from square one, I know that the two of my closest friends and people I wanted in my group this year aren't. There's three groups, and all three of us have been put in each. I know its good to make new friends, and it'll be fine, but I'd at least like my best friends please! I'm not the same age group as majority of them, and most of them know each other through school/people they hang around with, since they're younger than me and the friends I made. Grrrr!

Plus I know now that we're all in different groups, I will not get the appology and explanation that I am so needing! I just want things finished, over. Not to be led on and me giving up because people don't have the courage to say things to my face. Why is that? I'm a nice person, everyone says I have a gentle nature, yet people find it hard to say things to me straight. I'm certainly not as fragile as they probably think I am. Grrr, fools! *Swears a lot*

Apart from that I fear I have come to a halt on my new story. Already. I've only wrote the first chapter and already I'm having doubts as to whether I should continue with my story of give up. Maybe it's suited better for an original story? But I like the idea, it's different and (I think) something unexplored in the realms of fanfiction. But after getting the review I got for the first chapter, I'm not sure it'll be a good idea.

I'm used to writing things action packed, with death and fights and... aghh! But there's going to be none of that in this story, its got a deeper layer to it. There's only really going to be two main events that happen, that both become clear in the first chapter. I guess I'm finding it hard because it's.. well.. real life. Ack. Maybe I should just write and see what happens. Damn Stephen King for inspiring me to write something real but dark.

And as a final note, Pavarotti has died! :( It appears this time of year a hero of mine dies along with someone that I know. I hate this time of year!

I have recently come to the conclusion that I have an amazing ability of bringing out the worst in people. I see the same people treat people nicely and with respect, make an effort with other people, but as soon as it comes to me it's like.. 'It's only Sarah.. she won't mind.'

People have had that attitude with me for as long as I can remember, and I really don't like it. I'm always the one that's second best. I'll find someone who's decent, whether it be a close friend or boyfriend, and they'll be normal human beings at the beginning. Oh yes. But once you have spent more than a few weeks with me, it's like something changes. I don't know, maybe I bring out the worst in people? They change towards me. They just stop caring and making an effort. They make me second best. I'm sick of it, really, I am.

I'm so fed up of always feeling second best, and after everything I've been through, what I've done to get to where I want to be, and it's all just.. I don't even know where I stand at the moment. Am I second best? Do I not even come that close?

Why has my entire life been a whole cyle of trusting people, only to be let down by them as soon as someone better comes along?

It just really upsets me that it might actually happen AGAIN! I'd never even had a successful relationship with a friend until I was seventeen because everyone I'd ever been friends with had always found someone new and more exciting than me and then got bored of me and stopped bothering as much with me.

Am I really that bad a person? It really upsets me, for the first time in weeks, I've just burst into tears. :c

After sitting here trying the think of a subject for this post and coming up with nothing, the subject is fitting I feel.

So, this last week I'm not going to come running after people all the time. I'm tired of always chasing after people, and feeling like I have to do it because if I didn't then nothing would happen. And guess what? I was wrong. People do infact speak to me and make the effort if I don't. Shocking. Sometimes I need to stop assuming the worst in everything. My pessimism is something that probably needs to change. It will not get me very far in life if I always let it get the better of me, so hopefully that's something I can lean not to do.

I am also starting to consider not drinking anymore. Ever again in fact. Last night was awful, I feel like complete arse today. I now remembered why I detest getting drunk. I don't mind drinking, or getting a little merry. But the whole idea of when I get drunk to the extent that I can't control my actions, it's just such a horrible thought to me. I like to be in control of myself, I like to be rational, and that is something I lack in thoroughly whilst under the influence of alcohol. Possibly that is why I would never touch drugs. Some people have asked me why I wouldn't want to at least try it once, but to me that's such an absurd question. I hate the idea of not being in control of my body. It's odd. But the lesson learn from last night is this: don't drink lots of alcohol. Don't have a shot with every drink brought. It is not good.

I find myself excited about writing my new story. It was something that I thought I may struggle with, since it is so different to anything I have ever written before and I'm worried I'll get stuck and give up on it. But thinking in to more depth about it, there are a lot of things that are quite close to home that I will be writing about, which is a good and bad thing, but I'm quite optimistic about the story ahead. Hopefully it'll be a lot easier to write. I just need to complete my current story now, which I might possibly do on wednesday and thursday. I hope.

I don't actually have a lot to say really. Only that I'm so used to waking up early I can't sleep when its actually a day when I can sleep all day. Gah. Stupid work making me get up early.. and lo and behold I have to get up even earlier next week. Monday and tuesday I'm doing an open at work, which means starting at 6.15. I have no way of getting to work unless I get a taxi or something? Which will probably be the likely case. I'm also starting at 8 as well, and 10 the other two days. I hate working full time. I'm a student and never done a full weeks work in my life.. until this week. -.-

So today this is my first weekend off in like... an awful long time! Since I got my job in November in fact. I got paid on thursday which means I have a nice load of money in my bank that needs spending! I'm well going shopping today, on my own so it can have my full attention. I plan on buying an entire outfit. Have it all figured out in my head, only have to see if the clothes in my head actually exist in real life. I hate shopping in fashionable shops though, fashion is something I have never like. I only followed fashion between the ages of about 13/14 then gave up on it anyway. And I just want some nice looking clothes but I can never find any because the shops are all selling the 'fashionable' clothes which they insist on us wearing. :c I might just go to charity shops and see what they have to offer. And I REALLY want a polka dot skirt, I decided yesterday. Evidently sods law will mean that I'll search aimlessly and never be able to find one until my obsession of getting one has wiltered away. Ack! I hate shopping.

I have nothing else to say.. other than I have had no time to write really. By the time I get home from work I'm too tired to do anything. So my night usually entails me lazing around for a while, watching Big Brother and getting annoyed at the people on it, then going to sleep.

No ones reviewed my latest chapter either. Did I leave it too long to update and everyone gave up and ran away? I'm not the sort of person that demands a lot of reviews, one is nice enough for me. I just need at least a little impact on my story so far before I can continue. Anyone..? *Echo*

I'm far too excited about shopping today, it's actually rather unusual. I should warn myself now: I will get frustrated when after three hours of searching for at least something to buy, I haven't found ONE THING that I like (it's happened!). I most likely won't find anything. I'll get stresses and frustrated and remember why I haven't been shopping in a hell of a long time.

Oh and tonight I get to go out with Lousie my friend. Yes.. I have spelt her name right. She's too special to spell her name Lucy.. it's spelt and awesome way! But yeah, I well get to get drunk tonight! Hells yeah! I need it after this week. And next week too actually. Eughhhh!

I almost cried last night. It felt really weird, I was just lying in bed thinking about things and I almost burst into tears.

Yesterday my mum had to go to hospital to get botox. (As highly amusing as it is to say, it was NOT the cosmetic surgery kind.) For those who don't know, which will be.. all of no one who reads this thing, when my mum was thirteen she got hit by a motorbike. The accident left her in a coma for six weeks, she was told that there was a possibility she wouldn't be able to have children and that she'd damaged a part of her brain. Evidently she was able to have children.. me and my brother are evidence of that. And her brain is okay, but she struggles to remember things. Whenever she's in a new environment she gets quite stressed and confused, so it's hard to deal with at times. My mums also found it hard to walk properly, her feet are bent in an odd kind of way.. I don't know. It's hard to describe.

As much as it pains me to say it, I will admit it here. I used to hate my mum. I really did. The after affects caused her to develop depression, which manifested extremely bad particually when I was between the age of 13-16. I felt she pretty much ruined my family by what she put us through. Her depression didn't come out in a 'I feel sad' kind of way, it came out in lashes of anger. And I hated it. I hated her. I really did.

I guess last night I was thinking about all of this and how far she's come. For the last three years she's been on anti-depressants. She been to see numerous psychiatrists and doctors and different types of group therapy. Problem is, my mum is the most stubborn and proud woman you'll ever meet. She doesn't like to assoceate herself with being a part of the same people who need help from psychiatrists. But three years on, we've found a group for her which deals with people who have been through an accident and suffer from brain injuries. She goes there every friday, and it really pleases me to hear that she's happy to be there. She doesn't want to leave, she's not being stubborn and pretending like she's fine. She enjoys the company of these people. And she's come a long way, she's a lot happier person now.

So yesterday the botox went well. I've seen her foot and for the first time in over thirty years she can place her entire foot down on the floor and can walk a bit better. I don't think I've ever said this to my mum, but I feel proud of her. I feel very proud indeed.

On a side note, I finally finished writing my chapter. I'm just waiting for my brother to come home so he can proof read it and then I can post it up! Then I can work on my FINAL CHAPTER! c:

Another side note... my certificates came through the post today. I've passed everything and I've officially got an NVQ 1 qualification in Hairdressing. YAY!

Ack. I haven't had chance to write in here in ages. GAH. And I still need to write the last two chapters of my story. I am determined to get it completed... I've just had a hell of a lot of drama happened recently.

Good and bad drama, but drama none the less. I've split up with my boyfriend, I've finished college for the summer, and just random.. blarrgghh and good things. Heh. But it's all good now!

I promise I will write the next chapter to my story as soon as possible. It's just at the moment I keep getting in contact with all of my old friends and I'm seeing an awful lot of friends at the moment because I realise they are important. Since splitting up with THE boyfriend, I'm making the freedom I now have without feeling guilty for spending a whole day with my friends. Blah. How come you never realise how opressed you were until you get out of something? I guess it's always a lot easier to look from the outside in.

Today I met up with one of my old best friends who I haven't seen in months. It was so damn good to see her! At school we were so close, but because of circumstances and us both being busy we've lost contact.. then seen each other once.. then lost contact again. This time we're determined to keep in contact and see each other more regularly though. I've felt so happy today and excited at just being able to see her. I missed her so much.

AND! On saturday night I should be going out with some of my other friends from school. And one of my old teachers phoned me the other day to say another of my teachers is leaving school so they want current and ex students to write things about her as well as inviting me to a meal with him and a few other teachers. Because I was a right geek at school I well get to go to these things! It's really nice though.. but odd at the same time. I think I'm going to go though, even though I'll feel a bit silly because everyone's been at uni or travelling around the world.. and then there's me. Studying hairdressing with a load of 16 year olds because I decided to do A Levels instead of going straight to college. Even though I LOVE Hairdressing and enjoy every second at college, I hate the way some people look at me when instead of going to university like people expect, I do hairdressing instead. Ah well, I'd rather do something that makes me happy rather than concentrating on where the money is.

But yes. One day I'll start writing again. ONE DAY! I need to keep updated with people's stories and on here! Aghh! I shall do that at some point. Possibly now.

I'm 19 now yay! Even though this week has been so busy, I've been out and doing something everyday and can't see myself not having a relaxing day until at least next tuesday, but then I don't know when I'll be working next week, it has actually been quite fun.

Monday was my interview, and the person who was doing the interview said that they have no problems with me and that my attendance and everything is excellent so I have been given a conditional place for September. Whoop. I just need to finish all of my work off, which is simply getting my log book signed from when I went on reception and I need to wash off a semi. But no one ever seems to get a semi done in the salons dag nammit. I might just throw some dye on my friends hair and wash it off. Even if they don't want it dyed. Because I am oh so nice like that.

Tuesday it was my birthday! Whoo hoo! It was a really nice day actually. It was odd, because I was with people who I go to college with, people I used to go to school with, and people I know somehow that don't go to either school or college with me. None of them knew each other, but they all got on really well which is all good. And I saw my friend from University! Yay! He's home nowww! Which is good because it means we can do stupid things like play guitar hero all day and make cakes like we used to do! Whoop. Even though I am rubbish at both of those things. But it was good fun anyway.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, even though I am seriously not looking forawrd to going back to work. Ack. But on the Saturday night I'm going out to celebrate my birthday, and me being me, it has to be a fancy dress night. A lot of people are dressing up 80's... but I really want to go as a pirate.. so I've come to a compromise, and I'm going as a pirate 80's style. I seriously have no idea how this will work. But somehow I plan to do it. Hum.

Apart from all that excitement my tonsils are really starting to make my gums hurt. Damn dentist saying there's nothing wrong, then why are they embedding themselves in my gums? It really hurts :(

I really need to finish writing chapter 19 of my story, but everytime I try something happens that prevents me from writing. Ack. I could write right now.. except my brother downloaded the last episode of Lost and I really need to watch it in order to help regain my sanity because the wait has been killing me this last week. So I think Lost wins right now.

Ack. I feel so drained and ill and horrible. My head feels all drowsy and cloudy and I'm freezing even though everyone else in my house is cold. Dag nammit. I blame my boyfriend for making me ill. He had tonsilitus earlier on this week, so I'll blame him. Even though I don't think I have tonsilitus, I'm not sure, I've never really had it. I probably have, but just called it a bad sore throat. Same with people that always say they have migranes, I just sometimes get really bad headaches. But that's probably the way I was brought up.

Blehhh. That's the only way I can desrbie myself. I have today and tomorrow to write my assignment, write a letter for an interview and prepare myself for said interview. I would do it at the weekend, except I'm away in York with my boyfriend. I hate having things to look forward to clouded by things that I really don't look forward to which always seems to happen at the same time for me. It's bloody annoying! Weekend away, monday is my interview, tuesday is my birthday. I just hope I feel a lot better for all of the latter.

I also hope for good weather on my Birthday. Me being English makes me have to pray for good weather, since its a rare occasion. Blink and the summer is gone. And then they say the climate is getting warmer. I don't see it! When I was little I could have birthday parties and it would always be really sunny and warm, the last two years has been crappy weather. Oh the joy to be British. How we love to moan about the weather.

Which leads me on to a little rant. I was reading a Stephen King book the other day, and one of the characters in it is English which is fine, but I don't understand why English people are always portrayed so... upper class. When the reality is, we're really not. In this book the character said words like 'matey' and 'chap' and 'bloody hell' which are words that are hardly ever used. The only stereotypical word I probably say is like above, 'Bloody' apart from that I'm all American-English talk. I just find it funny how English people are all portrayed as so English. Meh, saying that I'm sure everyone stereotypes at times.

And I'm not even really making any sense at all because my entire body aches right now, my head really hurts and I just want to crawl in to a hole and sleep right at this very moment. I think I need some more medication. A lot more. I'm losing my sanity too.

My boyfriend and I are okay now, which is good. We're still arguing a bit and stuff.. but meh. What's new? He said he wants me though, which is good and all I needed to hear. So yay.

These next few weeks are going to be quite busy. Kind of. I have my boyfriends birthday next wednesday. Which I still don't know what to get him. Its so annoying. I hate buying presents for guys, because I never have any clue what to get them. I'll just buy random crap I think. And if he doesn't like it, that's his problem. Because I'm oh so nice like that.

Plus next wednesday its my skills test to get into level two at college. Which I'm quite scared about. We have to do a blowdry and style the hair so it looks professional in 45 minutes. Do a scalp plait, which I REALLY can't do. A set in 30 minutes - something that takes me ages! And put as many perm rods in hair as possible in 20 minutes. Last time I practised a perm wind it took me three hours to do a full head. So I am not looking forward to it. Looks like I'm going to have to practise a lot over the next week. Even though I don't have any rollers or anything at home, and its May day on monday so no college then. Meaning I'll only be able to practise a blow dry and my plaits. Whoop.

Then the 21st May it is going to be my interview to get into level two. Again, something I'm not looking forward to. I REALLY hope I get onto level two though. Otherwise.. I'll cry or something silly like that. I should get on though. I have no disciplinaries, I'm pretty much finished apart from a two things. I'll just have to cross my fingers.

And the weekend before all that, I get to go away to York for the weekend as part of my birthday present from my boyfriend. :D Which is going to be awesome! I hope. As long as we don't argue or anything. And then on the 22nd it'll be my birthday, meaning Sarah will be 19 yay!

So just a few things to look forward too, or dread over the next few weeks. And somewhere within that I want to start writing again and finish a chapter I wrote a few weeks ago. Although the future of my story is well hurting my head. Seriously don't know what's going to happen. But hey ho. It's all good.

I'm sad. :(

I didn't get any sleep last night, and today I'm hungry but I just can't bring myself to eat. In simple, I feel like utter pooh. Even though on the outside I feel fine and I'm coping well, inside there's like this horrible numb feeling stiring within myself. I can feel myself preparing for the worst. Hell, I feel like its already happened, like I'm on my own already.

I hate relationships. They're hard and make you feel like shit. I hate that I'm the one who's able and ready to give 100% commitment whereas other people aren't. I don't like the fact that I was so closed off at the beginning of this relationship, that I was so afraid to be hurt, I couldn't open up right from the beginning, because now a year on its come to slap me right back in the face.

In two weeks, I would have been with my boyfriend for a year. I've been looking forward to that date in a long time. But now I'm not even sure if we're going to make it. I know a year is.. well.. meaning that our relationship is serious. And that it means its long term, there has to be commitment, which is scary. I just thought it wouldn't ruin what I had, that we had gone through so much together already, that this was just a small baby step compared to what we have faced in the past. But then, maybe this step is the result of all the stumbles along the way now brought together. I don't know. I don't even think my boyfriend knows himself.

My boyfriend told me last night that he loves me, he knows that, but he's not sure if he loves me enough. He doesn't know why he feels this way, or what we can do to change things. He doesn't know if it means he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Or if its one of those things he's going through, but we'll make it through okay like we have so many other times.

He needs space, and that's what I'm giving him. Honestly, I don't care about myself in this matter. I really don't. If after having time apart he decides he doesn't want to be with me, I'll be fine about it, because I want him to be happy. And if that means sacrificing my own happiness then so be it. If he comes back and wants me then.. I'm not going anywhere.

I just hate the waiting. I hate not hearing from him. I've seen a picture of him on the internet just now. It was taken in my room, of him and the Phillip the Penguin which he brought me for christmas. I never even knew he took the picture. Looking at things like that just makes me think of all the things I don't know about him. I already feel like I don't know him. Like a part of me is looking at a stranger.

He confuses me at the moment, because he'll tell me he loves me, but he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. And last night before I got out of his car, I said that I was scared that this would be the last time I would see him. And then he started crying. I've never seen him cry before, and he seemed shocked he cried himself. He said he didn't even know why that affected him that much.

Maybe it's because he knows deep down that that is what the outcome of this will be? Or (hopefully) it's a truth he doesn't want to face. I just don't know. And I hate the waiting on my own.

GAH!

I updated another chapter today whoop. I think I might end up writing yet ANOTHER chapter, its scary how much I'm writing recently. Usually its one chapter, then a few months where I forget about my story completely. But my boyfriend is going to be at a band practise tonight and he's at work all day meaning I'll have nothing to do but sit around and be bored so I may as well do something practicle with my time. Soo I might have college work that could be done, but I'd much prefer to write.

Arg, I hate songs that are so cheesy they sound good. I keep listening to Avril Lavigne's song 'Girlfriend'. I HATED the song when I first heard it, but after hearing it again and again... and again, I'm actually starting to like it. And the strange thing is I'm not ashamed to admit it. Hey, everyone needs a bit of cheese in their lives, and Avril Lavigne is my cheese that I like to indulge in at the end of the day. As twisted and wrong as that sounds...

Must find something to listen to that's not cheesy. All I can see is bands like Aqua and The Cartoons that seem appealing to listen to right now. I must be in the mood for cheese at the moment. Oh how I love to entertain myself when I have nothing else to do. I just know I'm going to be wanting to listen to lots of songs from my childhood today.

From the irratic change of topic in this thing, one can assume I'm very tired. I hate holidays because my insomnia always comes to haunt me. It takes me so long to get to sleep at night, even though I'll be really tired when I go to bed it'll take me at least three hours to get to sleep. Then when I finally do get to sleep, I'll get woken up at some stupid time in the morning by people banging around or my mum coming in my room and talking to me because she can't seem to grasp the concept that when I'm in bed in my room at 8am on a day where I don't have to get up for work or college I will more than likely be asleep. This morning none of the above woke me up, I was awoken by council people cutting the grass. This is the joys I get from living next to a graveyard.On sunday I just know its going to be them damn church bells!

All I have been doing all day is thinking about my story and now my head is starting to hurt. *Sobs* I am proud to say that I have nearly finsihed chapter 17, the words were just flowing from me and I've ended up writing a scene I wasn't even planning on happening. I like it when that happens, although I'm not too sure about it. Hum.

Last night I played Final Fantasy VIII again, well.. not all of it. Handily I have saved slots at my favourite parts of the game so when I feel like it I can go back and watch it. Last night it was the space part, because its the best bit of the game in my opinion.

I feel like I should start my yearly thing of playing FFVIII all the way through. I dread to think how many times I've played it now. Seriously. I've had an unhealthy obsession with the game since I was twelve, and it has not gone away. This is not good!

Ack, I hate days like today where I just sit around on my own doing.. well.. nothing. Note to self: must see my friend before he goes all the way back to uni.

Erm.. yeah. Pointlessly writing on here because I have no one else to talk to, and I hate MSN with a passion.

And I just realised I haven't looked at my Tamagotchi at all today. Oops! The little guy will probably be dead by now, I knew those things were only designed for kids. Eighteen year olds can have them too! And its okay.. no one needs to panic. Billy the Tamagotchi is indeed still alive.

I think I'm going to go back to planning my story out in my little notebook. That seems the safest thing to do for my sanity.


As the perfect ending to this entry I must include this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvLuc-gq4AE

All I can say is HAHAHAHA. Those crazy German people. The Irvine guy actually looks quite alike.. but I can't remember Squall being so.. chunky..

Because I know that someone out there loves me (I can dream, right?) Here is a link to my story. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2266692/1/

Go ready NOW! Otherwise I will get my stuffed penguin called Phillip to peck you to death. Phillip has a short temper, don't don't make the penguin unhappy! You know what you have to do.

Just thought I'd sell myself a little, althought I highly doubt anyone reads this.

Life seems to be going pretty damn good at the moment if I don't say so myself. I haven't wrote in here for a long time, so I'll update you (Whoever may be reading this.)

After months of searching for a job, and failing badly at any interviews I got, I plucked up my courage, lost my dignity and applied for a job at McDonalds. After being there since November I can say yay for me getting a job. It doesn't really earn me much money, but its something while I'm at college.

Work was alright, apart from the fact that I'm very accident prone. My arms are covered in burns. I've already had to be taken to hospital because I got oil from the fryers spilt on my foot. (It's a long story) After having the mother of all blisters, my foot is finally starting to heal afer seven weeks of oozing yellow goo. So whoo hoo for the foot on the mend!

Not else has really happened, it is my birthday next month. I'm going to be 19! *Dances.* AND next month is my year anniversary with my boyfriend. *Dances some more*

Aside from all this my writing is going considerably well. Fanfiction is my love in life, it has been since I was thirteen years old and it will probably always be. I'm loving writing my story at the moment, as big headed as it may sound, I think my story is pretty damn good. I'm proud of it. That's all that matters. And I'm really inspired at the moment, all I want to do is sit with the laptop and write.

It truely is great to be back again!

Happy Easter peoples! (Bit late I know, but shh)

This week yet ANOTHER person in my little life has died. Well... two if I count Steve Irwin. He was one of my heroes, and its such a shame for him to have died. I hope hisn wife and children are coping okay. Because its really sad. Yet deep down I think that he would prefer to die by an animal than any kind of man made death such as murder or a car accident or anything. So possibly he died happy.

I've never really dealt with death before. The only one I can think of being m Grandma when I was thirteen, but she had alzimas (excuse my lack of spelling, I've just woke up) majority of my life so when the day came that she died it felt like perhaps she had been released from her illness and was now in rest, rather than she was cruely taken away from us.

Yet this year, there have been five deaths in the city I live which have affected me in some way or another, or made me realise something. The first death being a man that worked at Siemens (again, I may have spelt that wrong). Thos guy woke up one morning, got his biked out and cycled to work. He was in perfect health, nothing wrong with him. A perfectly ordinary day. Only, he cylced along a busy road. I think he hit the curb of the path or something making him lose his balance and ended falling off his bike, landing into the road. Just as a van was driving passed. He was probably hit before he even got chance to hit the ground.

That really shook me, purely because we all fall over, we all hit things and lose our balance making us land on the floor in an embarrassing mess. I guess I kind of live in the illusion that death is in the very distant future. Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens and that death only happens on TV, or is read about in the newspapers and magazines. Certainly not in my life. But it can happen. Everytime I walk out in the street, a car could lose control and hit me, or perhaps I could fall dead in the street for no apparent reason at all.

Another similar death was a few weeks ago, with a guy who went out drinking with his friends. They decided that it would be fun to go swimming in the river. All of them made it apart from this one guy who went missing. They found his body in the river. Again, something that probably most young people would attempt at some point in their life or has an urge to do went horribly wrong. This wasn't really the part that worried me, as it was something read in a newspaper. Again I had that 'It happens to other unfortionates, not me' view upon life. Then I heard that he had been at the same school as me, in the year above, and that really creeped me out. The fact that someone who I had maybe seen daily at one point in my life had been the one who had died.

The next person to be swept away from this land was the girlfriend of a guy m brother worked with. He was a manwhore, to describe him in one word. Yet he finally found a girl who he was serious about and wanted to be with, regardless of the fact that she was eight months pregnant with another mans child. Three days later I was told that she had taken an overdose and died.

Finally, the last two are VERY close to home. The first death happening right at the end of March. My best friends Dad. I never really met him, but to see my friend so upset and holding her hand right through to the funeral and after made it close to my heart. No one at seventeen and younger should ever have to go to their parents funeral. It's something we always imagine doing when we're quite old ourselves with growing children. And that was a tough thing that my friend had to go through.

Recently her life has turned around, she's found a new guy, and is finally starting to feel really happy again. In fact, her life could never be better. Then last week, only five months after her Dad died, her Mum got sent into hospital and died from a heart attack. I didn't find out until tuesday night and when I spoke to her she sounded eerily normal. Nothing like her Dad. She's completely numb to the fact at the moment. Obviously the first few days she did cry horribly. But when I saw her last, she told me the whole events of what happened without a single tear or even stop if it got too much for her. She's just horribly numb.

For me... well... its shocked me. I knew her Mum quite well. Hell, at one point I was at my best friends house or phoned her up everyday. And it was her mum that would always answer the phone. It was her mum that would always be in the house to offer me a drink or even talk to me for a little while. How the hell can someone that was so full of life that last tme I saw her be dead?

I feel like I'm mourning myself, I can't even comprehend what it must feel like for my best friend as well as her older siblings. Death is always lurking in the back of my mind at the moment. I'm always thinking, 'Who's next?' Who will be the next pin to fall? And needless to say, it scares the shit out of me.